Who we were meant to be...

Is there somewhere
An alternate reality
Made of juxtaposed faces
Of who we were meant to be?
For the pride we have clenched
And the ways we have failed
May be reasons our souls drag
And sputter and ail
Maybe God wanted joy
But we couldn't see how
So we looked to ourselves
And caused heartache and doubt
For lies, there are many
They twist 'round our lives
And when we fail to question
We often lose light
I look for those faces
That we were to wear
And I look at my own
Which seems cracked and impaired
I wonder if Hope
Which flutters and sings
Is a hint of the world
Where we reach those things.

Field Of Flowers

Please lay me down
In a field of flowers
Or pick me up gently
And hum a soft song
For I am so weathered
From long days
And short sleeps
I need just a simple
Moment of peace.

I Was There

For that moment when you move on from someone who never quite treated you right.

There was a day
When my tears wouldn't stop
And my heart wrung out
In six thousand melodies
Lyrics of rejection
Harmonies of hurting
And I cleaned the walls
In a bright, summer home
Yet, because of you
My heart was empty
I was forgotten
Pierced in the middle of
My softest place
Rejected by you
And you were all that I wanted

Where were you then?

There were chances-
Seconds, thirds, infinite
I handed them out to you.
Patience grew vines
Over many months of time
I swallowed bitter days
When we wouldn't speak
And still I waited
As questions grew louder
Scars grew deep
And dreams became jagged
Frightening and bleak
Finally my heart had to know
Who she was
As I looked in the mirror
And wondered what I was missing
 To capture your heart

Where were you then?

I remember your birthday
I remember your shows
I remember your family
I remember your friends

I was there.

I was there,
But I can't be now.

Vulnerability

This poem is dedicated with deepest respect and admiration to Brene Brown, and all the work she does to try to help us all cope with shame and its' deep scars. I wrote this after watching her talk entitled, "The Power Of Vulnerability."

I was there
And I was burned and forgotten
But I didn't tell a soul

And I looked in the mirror on a long night
And told myself that I was ugly
But I woke up the next day
And told the world that I was okay.

And one day I spoke the words that scared me
But he turned and walked away
He just walked away
And it burned and burned, as I ached with fire
I swallowed the flames
Leaving a charred throat inside of me
But I smiled when I saw him
And I let him know, screaming with a positive demeanor
Screaming, screaming with lies and lies
That I was fine, that nothing he could do would hurt me

And all of that may seem fine
As we sing songs about dodging bullets and wearing armor
But the fact is
That is not what happens
We are broken, we are bloody;
And I have realized
I'm no longer afraid to say it
I'm no longer afraid to be ashamed

See these scars on an old, seared soul
And know that they came from you
You, the taunter
You, in the mirror;
I condemned myself
As the worst of the worst, the last of the last
Imperfect,
And never, ever enough

But now I know
I am not invincible
I refuse to be numb
I refuse to let armor
Be an empty cage

I lift up vulnerability
To wear the wings she deserves
And I hold my heart out
To show you the bruises

You see,
You and me
We're not so different
We have both drowned
In the river that is shame

And I just wanted to write this poem
To tell you that's okay. 

On Broken Dreams

Come here,
My little superhero
Not long ago
You wished to fly
Yet dreams went damp
Out open windows
Leaving you
With tear-soaked sighs
My heart is breaking
As I watch
You fold up all your
Highest hopes
And trade them in
For wistful lies
Stashed in earl-grey envelopes
I asked you, as you
Climbed up on
My lap
In words so soft and blue,
Quietly,
"Is this the life
You wanted for
The bravest you?"
For fear I see
In your big eyes
Your tears, so heavy
Your face, so young
You look up at me
With eyes so round
And I see defeat
Beats as a drum
I have one ticket
Just one left
To take you from
This empty place
My heart is begging
That you will go;
Please, dear child,
Leave this place.

Bitter

He asked me a question and
I froze with fear and sadness
For I didn't know the answer
And my heart saw
Walls of thin foundations
Torn to the core and
Cast aside
And away we went
To a deep red sunrise
That burns my skin
To the song of a new day

I never wanted
Reality to set in
I always hoped for
A hopeful dream instead
But here I see
A senile grayness
Molding and cracking
The edges of flowers
Bittering water
That used to taste sweet
And shattering dreams
I held to as mirrors
Yet now my face
Is unfamiliar
And without these wishes
I don't know who I am.