heavy wooden door

i wonder

will you notice

that i have left?

will you reach out and

speak a few

curious words to me?

or am i just the sound

of silent glass breaking

not a word or a drop of meaning

eliciting from your

granite-smooth heart

i tried so desperately

to squeeze

emotions like 

juice from a

stubborn lemon

from you

i closed my eyes, tight

and wished

as i searched for insight

behind the curtains of

your eyelids

and what i found

behind the beautiful blue

pendants that lie

beneath your lashes

was a heavy wooden door

sealed shut and

covered in dust

from the sea-salt spray of

Time

i'm decades ahead of

your past

and i don't know how

to stretch my arms and

reach back

i'm a failure at

unlocking the

chambers you close with

passwords and secrets

i'm a blurry mistake on 

a math test;

don't say anything about

the scribbled pencil marks

and the pitiful words 

i have written for you

oh please,

don't mention 

the innumerable 

attempts I have made

or the essay i wrote

that you have marked

with a blood-red F

i wring my hands,

defeated

and i collapse beneath

the surrender i am owning

silently,

i'm relieved

to return my attempts

at creating a key

for the nights grew cold

and my voice grew hoarse

as i stood outside

a heavy wooden door

shouting 

please, 

dear friend,

let me in

i promise that i won't hurt you.

The Park

We spent our days at that park
The sprawling lawn
Stretching,
Squares of pale green
And thirsty brown
We were young,
Laughing on that
Infinite playground.

We hopped the chain fence that night
Swinging into infinity
Beneath the rattling chains
And the reflection of moonlight
Like pale, blue seawater
Over the poetry of the light, foam landing
So no matter how high you go
You can fall onto something soft.

I am a child forever in that park
I am the gathering of the never-ending
Waves of the sea there,
The healing of music
And the light of youth.

We are better here,
Out of doors
In sunshine
In sweat-soaked t-shirts
And grass-stained knees
We are holding firmly
To our truest selves-
Compassion,
Imagination,
Curiosity,
Innocence.

Swim Practice, Chocolate Chip Cookies, and the Ugly Couch.

Remembering those summer days
On which I would make
Gigantic chocolate chip cookies
Fat and warm and soft and melty
Over-filled with rich, brown sugar

And I would swim early
Forcing myself to jump
Into the freezing pool

On those days
I would ride home
Covered in goosebumps
And race to the silver shower
Jerking the round nozzle
To emit the cold water
Which would turn
Gloriously hot
And rinse me free
From chlorine

And always, always
Awaiting those huge cookies

I would take a few
On a soft, white napkin
And with a delicious novel
Head to the large, green-brown couch
Which was magnificently ugly
Yet so welcoming and comfortable
I never wanted to leave.

And I would never fall asleep, reading
On those summer days-
Wet, chlorine hair
Tired muscles
Warm chocolate on the outer corners
of a smiling mouth.

You can always come back.

There's something about
Coming home
On a September day
To a bonfire
And a family that loves you
Something warm and
Something beautiful
Something that reminds you-

You can leave for a
daydream or two,
But you can always come back.

You can always come back.

To The Critics

I've been thinking a lot about beauty lately, and what it really means. I've realized it's not something that  is created through hours at the gym, or finding the perfect haircut, or applying makeup strategically, or cutting down your food intake until you reach that ideal number on the scale.

It's none of those things, and in fact it has nothing to do with those things. 

It has to do with doing good things for other people when no one is looking. It has to do with making sacrifices, with being honest, with being brave, with standing up for what you believe in. It's something that is cultivated through all those things that take daily upkeep, and tireless seeking- kindness, compassion, purity, benevolence, strength, innocence. It has to do with being a good listener to a friend that needs you, accepting others for who they are, without judgment. It's learning to be grateful for what you have, to say thank you, to be truly happy, in you soul, in your heart, in your bones. It's learning to love who you are and to stop expecting perfection, but instead to realize that your best is more than good enough.

Overall, I have found that the more you seek beauty, the more you will find it. And overall, all beauty lies in God. 

I wrote this poem because I needed an anthem. I read it whenever I need to hear these words, and I hope you will do the same.



I am not beautiful
With the black, dramatic slashes
Of perfectly applied
Liquid cat eyes
Or the long, false lashes
Fluttering in the wind of a
Perfectly placed fan
Blowing styled hair back,
Hair-sprayed hard
Like a cold, plastic mannequin

I am beautiful in freckles.
I am beautiful with dark circles uncovered
Eyelashes bare
And my soul open as
The highway to my hometown
I am beautiful when my grandmother hugs me
When I listen to her talk of the old days,
And we both laugh at how
Some things never change
I am beautiful when I
Run through the vineyards,
Hair tangled,
Sun shining on my smiling face,
My heart full

I am not beautiful
Starved, pinned up, sprayed back, repressed.
I am not beautiful
Bearing the weight of the
World's ugly expectations

And I don't need you
With your harsh commentaries
And your judgmental words

I see no beauty
In the ugly things you say
Or the empty way you look at me

I am beautiful.
You are beautiful.
We are beautiful.

And nothing can change that.

September Lullabies

The lullabies you sang to me
Were cracked and broken
In a stubborn baritone

But they were beautiful,
Just like you
Just like the way you loved me true
Truer than the pale silver moon.

All is Well

Tonight
I made peace
And tonight I will tuck myself into bed
Serene
For all is well
Between you and I-

All is well.

:)