So useless
To lose this
To looseness
Of knots
We sighed and
We tied them
But not till
They were taut
Still, careless
Is careless
In this sad
"I don't care" mess
Please know, though,
I never forgot.
Monday, October 26, 2009
With Him Again
Today I have realized
Something that gives me
A deep breath in my chest
My shoulders drop
As the tension releases
And tears streak my vision
As songs sing softly
Of gratitude in my heart.
Because today
My thoughts were black
Each soul was a shadow
That crossed my path
A flood of darkness
Slashed through each step
As I fought to keep
A steady breath
Finally the weight
Of trying to decide
Between fake or broken
And struggling to hold
Onto cool, calm composure
When really I was
A trembling mess
Crushed me to pieces.
My heart screamed aloud
And pierced through my role-play
Shredding my act
Into shriveled-up pieces
My soul was shown bare
As I threw up my hands
And surrendered each heartbeat
Up to the One
Who picks me up into
His arms that are strong
Puts back the mixed-up, miscellaneous
Thing I've been calling
My life.
I tell Him
I'm sorry
I beg and
I weep
And then he gives me
Something to keep
Something so precious;
Though I don't deserve
A blink of His time
His words give me chills
As he calls me "mine"
I open my eyes
The world is so different
The path I am on now
Is full of bright flowers
And sunshine that warms
This soul that once froze
Showing me clearly
How I can be
With Him again.
A thought in my head
Lights up my soul
It feels like a smile
It sounds like a baby laughing
It tastes like cold water
On a hot, sticky day
It smells like Italian food in the oven
The truth is so sweet:
He is always there.
Something that gives me
A deep breath in my chest
My shoulders drop
As the tension releases
And tears streak my vision
As songs sing softly
Of gratitude in my heart.
Because today
My thoughts were black
Each soul was a shadow
That crossed my path
A flood of darkness
Slashed through each step
As I fought to keep
A steady breath
Finally the weight
Of trying to decide
Between fake or broken
And struggling to hold
Onto cool, calm composure
When really I was
A trembling mess
Crushed me to pieces.
My heart screamed aloud
And pierced through my role-play
Shredding my act
Into shriveled-up pieces
My soul was shown bare
As I threw up my hands
And surrendered each heartbeat
Up to the One
Who picks me up into
His arms that are strong
Puts back the mixed-up, miscellaneous
Thing I've been calling
My life.
I tell Him
I'm sorry
I beg and
I weep
And then he gives me
Something to keep
Something so precious;
Though I don't deserve
A blink of His time
His words give me chills
As he calls me "mine"
I open my eyes
The world is so different
The path I am on now
Is full of bright flowers
And sunshine that warms
This soul that once froze
Showing me clearly
How I can be
With Him again.
A thought in my head
Lights up my soul
It feels like a smile
It sounds like a baby laughing
It tastes like cold water
On a hot, sticky day
It smells like Italian food in the oven
The truth is so sweet:
He is always there.
Secret Sorrow
The secret sorrow
Sits in my heart
Humming
Softly, sadly
The rain spills
In rows on my roof
Singing a song
About you
Every drop
Reminds me
Of a fact
I wish weren't true:
I have lost you.
Finally, after
All of my hiding
Running and crying
My heart gave up on me.
"No more,"
It pleaded
I had to listen
For once I made
A brave decision
I picked
The right answer
Untied my knots
Fixed all my problems
Or so I thought
I asked a thousand
People to tell me
What to do
How to respond
Where to go
They spun me
In circles
Words overlapping
I was
Out of breath
From searching for answers
So I looked at my heart
It showed me this:
We aren't right.
So I told you
My story
The one that has been
Bottled up tight
Sealed and silent
But beating inside me
I gave you back
The melodies bright
You reached in
Your pocket
Pulled out my heart
The crushed-up pieces
You placed in my palm
And after
We parted
I closed my door
The ache of my soul
Matched the flood of pain
Rushing and tearing
Bleeding and trembling
As the secret sorrow
Sits in my heart
Humming
Softly, sadly.
Sits in my heart
Humming
Softly, sadly
The rain spills
In rows on my roof
Singing a song
About you
Every drop
Reminds me
Of a fact
I wish weren't true:
I have lost you.
Finally, after
All of my hiding
Running and crying
My heart gave up on me.
"No more,"
It pleaded
I had to listen
For once I made
A brave decision
I picked
The right answer
Untied my knots
Fixed all my problems
Or so I thought
I asked a thousand
People to tell me
What to do
How to respond
Where to go
They spun me
In circles
Words overlapping
I was
Out of breath
From searching for answers
So I looked at my heart
It showed me this:
We aren't right.
So I told you
My story
The one that has been
Bottled up tight
Sealed and silent
But beating inside me
I gave you back
The melodies bright
You reached in
Your pocket
Pulled out my heart
The crushed-up pieces
You placed in my palm
And after
We parted
I closed my door
The ache of my soul
Matched the flood of pain
Rushing and tearing
Bleeding and trembling
As the secret sorrow
Sits in my heart
Humming
Softly, sadly.
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
The Beach
I close my eyes
The sun is hot
The water's cool
The ocean roars
In sun-kissed sparkles
The shivers burst
Within my toes
As water leaps
To hug my feet
In silk-soft sand
On far-off beaches
I sigh with joy
Then I open my eyes
It's sheep brain lab.
The sun is hot
The water's cool
The ocean roars
In sun-kissed sparkles
The shivers burst
Within my toes
As water leaps
To hug my feet
In silk-soft sand
On far-off beaches
I sigh with joy
Then I open my eyes
It's sheep brain lab.
Believe
Water drips
From a river of doubt
In myself
Because today
It sprung a leak
And now I slowly
Start to believe
In myself.
From a river of doubt
In myself
Because today
It sprung a leak
And now I slowly
Start to believe
In myself.
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Just A Lie
Last night when we talked
Things were so strange
The levels between
You and me changed
It used to be
My tears would fall
A million miles
Below the moon
But I was looking
Up to you
And you never looked down
At my vulnerable soul
So you never guessed
The crutch I have clutched
For so long.
Then, after I prayed
A thousand prayers
And hoped with the light of
The ocean on fire
Something that held me down
And helped my fears to
Lock me up tight
Was totally and completely
Sure as these words
Gone.
Just out of habit
I reached out to feel
The familiar pain
That cuts, but feels safe,
Of the twisted and toxic
Thing that you whispered
Into my soul
To pass for
Love.
But the throat that spoke
Before with sharp words
That reeled me in
Is now bone-parched
Now that I get it
I laugh but I cry
Cause though you quick-spin it
It's still just a lie
And now that the tide
Of your disguise has run dry
I'm up and you're down
Please take off your mask
The light's spilling in
Revealing your story
Your cover, it tore
Ripped clean in half
Call me all night
But I'll never turn around and
Come back.
Things were so strange
The levels between
You and me changed
It used to be
My tears would fall
A million miles
Below the moon
But I was looking
Up to you
And you never looked down
At my vulnerable soul
So you never guessed
The crutch I have clutched
For so long.
Then, after I prayed
A thousand prayers
And hoped with the light of
The ocean on fire
Something that held me down
And helped my fears to
Lock me up tight
Was totally and completely
Sure as these words
Gone.
Just out of habit
I reached out to feel
The familiar pain
That cuts, but feels safe,
Of the twisted and toxic
Thing that you whispered
Into my soul
To pass for
Love.
But the throat that spoke
Before with sharp words
That reeled me in
Is now bone-parched
Now that I get it
I laugh but I cry
Cause though you quick-spin it
It's still just a lie
And now that the tide
Of your disguise has run dry
I'm up and you're down
Please take off your mask
The light's spilling in
Revealing your story
Your cover, it tore
Ripped clean in half
Call me all night
But I'll never turn around and
Come back.
Mistakes
All sin is like ink- black, damaging and permanent. Granted, some don't seem to regret their actions as much as others, but we all have stains on our souls in one way or another. It's much easier to try to point fingers and measure the width and breadth of other's sins, but truly that is not the point.
The point is that you can't separate human nature from human nature; the determining factor is how we change when we make a mistake. Obviously you can't take back your mistakes, but what do you do as your (so to speak) "morning-after" step two? Let the flames of self-hatred smother you? Play the blame game? Drown out the sound of your conscience by listening eagerly to monologues of self-pity and what-ifs?
Sinning doesn't make you an infidel; staying the same or getting worse afterwards does. The true test of character is how one lives the majority of his life, especially after committing a sin. If sin is poison, good works are pure, clean water: the more of them one does after repenting and asking God for forgiveness, the more the recently-injected poison is diluted. The dilution increases with the good works, and pretty soon, the ratio of poison to water is so great that one can barely tell the difference between pure water and sinner-gone-home water.
In the Bible, there are countless figures who start out committing terrible sins and/or living filthy lifestyles, but then repent and turn to God, only to become great people who make enormous, positive differences in the world around them.
If you fall and stub your toe, feel the pain of the injury, promise yourself to be more careful next time and maybe even get some new shoes. Then, get back up and keep the promise. It's all you can do.
The point is that you can't separate human nature from human nature; the determining factor is how we change when we make a mistake. Obviously you can't take back your mistakes, but what do you do as your (so to speak) "morning-after" step two? Let the flames of self-hatred smother you? Play the blame game? Drown out the sound of your conscience by listening eagerly to monologues of self-pity and what-ifs?
Sinning doesn't make you an infidel; staying the same or getting worse afterwards does. The true test of character is how one lives the majority of his life, especially after committing a sin. If sin is poison, good works are pure, clean water: the more of them one does after repenting and asking God for forgiveness, the more the recently-injected poison is diluted. The dilution increases with the good works, and pretty soon, the ratio of poison to water is so great that one can barely tell the difference between pure water and sinner-gone-home water.
In the Bible, there are countless figures who start out committing terrible sins and/or living filthy lifestyles, but then repent and turn to God, only to become great people who make enormous, positive differences in the world around them.
If you fall and stub your toe, feel the pain of the injury, promise yourself to be more careful next time and maybe even get some new shoes. Then, get back up and keep the promise. It's all you can do.
Song In My Mind
I can't believe I'm here
I never wanted to be
It feels like a puddle
A million miles deep
My vision is blurry
My heart is so heavy
I can't breathe
I can't sleep
I can't even walk down the street
Without you in my mind
You in my head
You in the stars
When I go to bed
The beautiful garden
That grew from your words
Turned into a fire
That sears till it burns
The salt-water sea
That flows down my cheeks
Is nothing compared
To the rainstorm in me
Each step of my feet
Is a marathon's run
Each smile I wince
Is like touching the sun
How did it ever
Happen to be
That I can't sleep
Without you in my dreams?
My mind stumbles back
To the night when we shone
Our brown eyes were locked
Like mosaics of stone
Then on to the night
When we lost all we had
Never guessed we would sail
This ocean of Sad
And I wrote you in
To the song in my mind
I curved quarter notes
And sketched out the lines
Even though we fell down
It still skips on repeat
Like a silent insanity
Screaming in me.
I never wanted to be
It feels like a puddle
A million miles deep
My vision is blurry
My heart is so heavy
I can't breathe
I can't sleep
I can't even walk down the street
Without you in my mind
You in my head
You in the stars
When I go to bed
The beautiful garden
That grew from your words
Turned into a fire
That sears till it burns
The salt-water sea
That flows down my cheeks
Is nothing compared
To the rainstorm in me
Each step of my feet
Is a marathon's run
Each smile I wince
Is like touching the sun
How did it ever
Happen to be
That I can't sleep
Without you in my dreams?
My mind stumbles back
To the night when we shone
Our brown eyes were locked
Like mosaics of stone
Then on to the night
When we lost all we had
Never guessed we would sail
This ocean of Sad
And I wrote you in
To the song in my mind
I curved quarter notes
And sketched out the lines
Even though we fell down
It still skips on repeat
Like a silent insanity
Screaming in me.
Besides Getting My License At The DMV...
He had
Brown hair
And black coffee in his gaze
When I
Looked up
I saw his beautiful face
Skinny jeans and moccasins
And a bright blue V-Neck tee
But to me he'll always be
Just the guy at the DMV
I guess that I'm a stalker
Cause I heard his mom talk to her
Friend and say
In a perfect way
That he happens to play the bass
Which, you know, is just like me
And we're both tall like the trees
My mind ran away
And I heard it say
If we were together
We would write songs forever
But, you see, he's just the
Guy at the DMV.
Brown hair
And black coffee in his gaze
When I
Looked up
I saw his beautiful face
Skinny jeans and moccasins
And a bright blue V-Neck tee
But to me he'll always be
Just the guy at the DMV
I guess that I'm a stalker
Cause I heard his mom talk to her
Friend and say
In a perfect way
That he happens to play the bass
Which, you know, is just like me
And we're both tall like the trees
My mind ran away
And I heard it say
If we were together
We would write songs forever
But, you see, he's just the
Guy at the DMV.
Rocketship
I gathered my heart
And set it inside
A rocketship
Just for you
Who lit the fuse
Blew up my soul
I was so
Full of you
In return
You were fully
Full of it.
And set it inside
A rocketship
Just for you
Who lit the fuse
Blew up my soul
I was so
Full of you
In return
You were fully
Full of it.
Saturday, October 3, 2009
Emotions And Metaphors
Sometimes, it's like my emotions just sweep me up like a ballroom dancing couple practicing a new lift. It's strange, although sometimes beautiful or seemingly suffocating, to feel so out-of-control. On the days when my sun isn't shining, I find myself overwhelmed with feelings. Some of them make me gasp at their shivery coldness, like being dropped into the icy ocean. Others whisper gently into my ears before they overtake me, like a soft, sad harp solo before the big finish.
In those moments of crying, wishing, loneliness and uncertainty, I seem to find a flicker of something wonderful underneath them, like a rich note from a cello barely held out for a moment, or a quick belly-laugh that catches me by surprise. That flicker is probably why I find that pain can be beautiful, because once I get over the lonely hill I've been climbing, I stand at the top and smile at the thousand love songs reaching out and over the pain to get to my ears. It's as if God planned this, and that once I fight my battles, the destination is a new, stronger me.
In those moments of crying, wishing, loneliness and uncertainty, I seem to find a flicker of something wonderful underneath them, like a rich note from a cello barely held out for a moment, or a quick belly-laugh that catches me by surprise. That flicker is probably why I find that pain can be beautiful, because once I get over the lonely hill I've been climbing, I stand at the top and smile at the thousand love songs reaching out and over the pain to get to my ears. It's as if God planned this, and that once I fight my battles, the destination is a new, stronger me.
Storyteller
You told I have nothing to say
One day long ago
So I gathered up my dreams
And threw them out the window
I numbed myself out of reality,
Flicked on a fuzzy screen
Robotic through the motions
Painting artificial oceans
Beneath a colored sea
I opened up a book
And it showed me how I used to dream
I used to express myself so deeply
It made me wanna scream
Somehow you took that away from me,
Blurred out how I'd see
Locked up my voice on a shelf
So high I couldn't reach
But now I've found the key
I'm back to who I want to be
Now that my poetry's flowing from me
You can't stop my feet
As I run through fields
Of melodies and lyric seeds
I've grown a meadow of love and hope
Right in front of me
Each day my soul cries out
From all the pain when I feel low
My tears become words on a page
That's how my flowers grow
Did you really think
You could silence my voice?
I guess you didn't guess
I would take back that choice
Now when the rain comes down
And hits me like a heart attack
I record each memory;
It stays with me like a photograph
This power in my veins
It could never drain; it's too strong
You can tell me how to live my life and write my song,
But the difference is, I've decided who I listen to
The voice now comes from within me,
Not from you
I'm a shooting star in the galaxy
Melodies and words so stellar
Call me anything you like,
But I'll always be a storyteller.
One day long ago
So I gathered up my dreams
And threw them out the window
I numbed myself out of reality,
Flicked on a fuzzy screen
Robotic through the motions
Painting artificial oceans
Beneath a colored sea
I opened up a book
And it showed me how I used to dream
I used to express myself so deeply
It made me wanna scream
Somehow you took that away from me,
Blurred out how I'd see
Locked up my voice on a shelf
So high I couldn't reach
But now I've found the key
I'm back to who I want to be
Now that my poetry's flowing from me
You can't stop my feet
As I run through fields
Of melodies and lyric seeds
I've grown a meadow of love and hope
Right in front of me
Each day my soul cries out
From all the pain when I feel low
My tears become words on a page
That's how my flowers grow
Did you really think
You could silence my voice?
I guess you didn't guess
I would take back that choice
Now when the rain comes down
And hits me like a heart attack
I record each memory;
It stays with me like a photograph
This power in my veins
It could never drain; it's too strong
You can tell me how to live my life and write my song,
But the difference is, I've decided who I listen to
The voice now comes from within me,
Not from you
I'm a shooting star in the galaxy
Melodies and words so stellar
Call me anything you like,
But I'll always be a storyteller.
Desire and Fear
Two walls are caving in
I'm right in the middle
Desire and fear
Fighting this battle:
My heart against what I know.
My defense has been
So weak against you
Ever since this situation
Tore into two
Part of me is broken
Part of me is falling behind
If I could
Snap my fingers and
Choose a side
I have a strong feeling
I'd be alright
But this overdone routine
Of hovering in between
Is taking the life out of me
So far the only
Road I've taken
Is so weak and beaten
All I have done
Is crumble in a corner-
I have tears and words
But where is my
Sword and shield?
Up until this moment
I thought I was brave
I thought it'd be easy
To pick a side
But now I can't tell
Which ship is sinking?
Which path is twisting
Into the place
I said I would never go?
Could somebody come here
And pick up my pieces?
Now that I finally
Say that out loud
I realize the absolute
Root of this conflict
Is that I have not been
Fighting my battles
I have just been
Smiling and faking a knowledge
Of what's going on
And where I should go.
When I was a child
The days were so simple
The routes were so clear
Now each step is a maze
But the truth of the matter
Is I wouldn't trade
The deep and unpredictable
Melody of feelings
Rushing within
My heart like a storm
If I can just
Find my Light
I know that
My heart will be alright.
I'm right in the middle
Desire and fear
Fighting this battle:
My heart against what I know.
My defense has been
So weak against you
Ever since this situation
Tore into two
Part of me is broken
Part of me is falling behind
If I could
Snap my fingers and
Choose a side
I have a strong feeling
I'd be alright
But this overdone routine
Of hovering in between
Is taking the life out of me
So far the only
Road I've taken
Is so weak and beaten
All I have done
Is crumble in a corner-
I have tears and words
But where is my
Sword and shield?
Up until this moment
I thought I was brave
I thought it'd be easy
To pick a side
But now I can't tell
Which ship is sinking?
Which path is twisting
Into the place
I said I would never go?
Could somebody come here
And pick up my pieces?
Now that I finally
Say that out loud
I realize the absolute
Root of this conflict
Is that I have not been
Fighting my battles
I have just been
Smiling and faking a knowledge
Of what's going on
And where I should go.
When I was a child
The days were so simple
The routes were so clear
Now each step is a maze
But the truth of the matter
Is I wouldn't trade
The deep and unpredictable
Melody of feelings
Rushing within
My heart like a storm
If I can just
Find my Light
I know that
My heart will be alright.
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