True Self.

Who are you?

I think I can see you,
Standing there
Somewhere on an island
Although the vision is blurry
I see you and
desperately,
I wish for our union
I want to be united with you.
I want to become everything you are.
For your movements are relaxed
And your face shows something
I've never seen;
You are real.
You are genuine.
You are not the acid reflux
Of your mother's wounds
And your father's pain
You are not a copy,
Or a wound up, lifeless robot
You are an original
And I want to be with you.
Please, if you would just let me
Look into your bold, brown eyes
I think I could understand
I think I could become
Something raw like
The untouched earth
Bathing in the morning sunlight
For you see the scars
And bruises I've hidden
From the days my heart
Was shamed and starved
The grief fills my eyes with tears
When I see you,
So beautiful,
When I behold
The warmth in your soul

How I would work,
Oh, how I would do anything
To be just like you.

First Friend

I'm sorry for everything.

I mumbled pathetically
through a storm of
tears pouring down
uncontrollably
upon my downcast face
I've loved you everyday
since the day I met you


You were my first friend here

And I am so grateful for everything
that we have been through
but now we are nothing
and all that remains
is a quiet keepsake
in the palm of my hands
a picture of the two of us
I miss you already
I missed you the second I drove away tonight

I'm just sorry,
Sorry for everything.

Sunset

I saw you today in the most
Unexpected of places
Your smile was even more
Perfect than I remember
You looked so happy
In your tie dye shirt
And I felt so happy
Being with you

And even though you
Stayed to talk to me for a while
And even though you asked me
A dozen questions about
How I have been
I felt the walls come up because
Why would it work out between us?
How could it possibly work?

You're beautiful but
So is the sunset
Coming in every night
To take my breath away
And then
Stealing slowly behind
The hidden hills
Leaving me with a
Deep melancholy
Just like today as I stood there
In the cafeteria
Staring up at your
Perfect golden sunlight

And I swallowed my pride
As I watched your sun set
For the hundredth time.

heavy wooden door

i wonder

will you notice

that i have left?

will you reach out and

speak a few

curious words to me?

or am i just the sound

of silent glass breaking

not a word or a drop of meaning

eliciting from your

granite-smooth heart

i tried so desperately

to squeeze

emotions like 

juice from a

stubborn lemon

from you

i closed my eyes, tight

and wished

as i searched for insight

behind the curtains of

your eyelids

and what i found

behind the beautiful blue

pendants that lie

beneath your lashes

was a heavy wooden door

sealed shut and

covered in dust

from the sea-salt spray of

Time

i'm decades ahead of

your past

and i don't know how

to stretch my arms and

reach back

i'm a failure at

unlocking the

chambers you close with

passwords and secrets

i'm a blurry mistake on 

a math test;

don't say anything about

the scribbled pencil marks

and the pitiful words 

i have written for you

oh please,

don't mention 

the innumerable 

attempts I have made

or the essay i wrote

that you have marked

with a blood-red F

i wring my hands,

defeated

and i collapse beneath

the surrender i am owning

silently,

i'm relieved

to return my attempts

at creating a key

for the nights grew cold

and my voice grew hoarse

as i stood outside

a heavy wooden door

shouting 

please, 

dear friend,

let me in

i promise that i won't hurt you.

The Park

We spent our days at that park
The sprawling lawn
Stretching,
Squares of pale green
And thirsty brown
We were young,
Laughing on that
Infinite playground.

We hopped the chain fence that night
Swinging into infinity
Beneath the rattling chains
And the reflection of moonlight
Like pale, blue seawater
Over the poetry of the light, foam landing
So no matter how high you go
You can fall onto something soft.

I am a child forever in that park
I am the gathering of the never-ending
Waves of the sea there,
The healing of music
And the light of youth.

We are better here,
Out of doors
In sunshine
In sweat-soaked t-shirts
And grass-stained knees
We are holding firmly
To our truest selves-
Compassion,
Imagination,
Curiosity,
Innocence.

Swim Practice, Chocolate Chip Cookies, and the Ugly Couch.

Remembering those summer days
On which I would make
Gigantic chocolate chip cookies
Fat and warm and soft and melty
Over-filled with rich, brown sugar

And I would swim early
Forcing myself to jump
Into the freezing pool

On those days
I would ride home
Covered in goosebumps
And race to the silver shower
Jerking the round nozzle
To emit the cold water
Which would turn
Gloriously hot
And rinse me free
From chlorine

And always, always
Awaiting those huge cookies

I would take a few
On a soft, white napkin
And with a delicious novel
Head to the large, green-brown couch
Which was magnificently ugly
Yet so welcoming and comfortable
I never wanted to leave.

And I would never fall asleep, reading
On those summer days-
Wet, chlorine hair
Tired muscles
Warm chocolate on the outer corners
of a smiling mouth.

You can always come back.

There's something about
Coming home
On a September day
To a bonfire
And a family that loves you
Something warm and
Something beautiful
Something that reminds you-

You can leave for a
daydream or two,
But you can always come back.

You can always come back.

To The Critics

I've been thinking a lot about beauty lately, and what it really means. I've realized it's not something that  is created through hours at the gym, or finding the perfect haircut, or applying makeup strategically, or cutting down your food intake until you reach that ideal number on the scale.

It's none of those things, and in fact it has nothing to do with those things. 

It has to do with doing good things for other people when no one is looking. It has to do with making sacrifices, with being honest, with being brave, with standing up for what you believe in. It's something that is cultivated through all those things that take daily upkeep, and tireless seeking- kindness, compassion, purity, benevolence, strength, innocence. It has to do with being a good listener to a friend that needs you, accepting others for who they are, without judgment. It's learning to be grateful for what you have, to say thank you, to be truly happy, in you soul, in your heart, in your bones. It's learning to love who you are and to stop expecting perfection, but instead to realize that your best is more than good enough.

Overall, I have found that the more you seek beauty, the more you will find it. And overall, all beauty lies in God. 

I wrote this poem because I needed an anthem. I read it whenever I need to hear these words, and I hope you will do the same.



I am not beautiful
With the black, dramatic slashes
Of perfectly applied
Liquid cat eyes
Or the long, false lashes
Fluttering in the wind of a
Perfectly placed fan
Blowing styled hair back,
Hair-sprayed hard
Like a cold, plastic mannequin

I am beautiful in freckles.
I am beautiful with dark circles uncovered
Eyelashes bare
And my soul open as
The highway to my hometown
I am beautiful when my grandmother hugs me
When I listen to her talk of the old days,
And we both laugh at how
Some things never change
I am beautiful when I
Run through the vineyards,
Hair tangled,
Sun shining on my smiling face,
My heart full

I am not beautiful
Starved, pinned up, sprayed back, repressed.
I am not beautiful
Bearing the weight of the
World's ugly expectations

And I don't need you
With your harsh commentaries
And your judgmental words

I see no beauty
In the ugly things you say
Or the empty way you look at me

I am beautiful.
You are beautiful.
We are beautiful.

And nothing can change that.

September Lullabies

The lullabies you sang to me
Were cracked and broken
In a stubborn baritone

But they were beautiful,
Just like you
Just like the way you loved me true
Truer than the pale silver moon.

All is Well

Tonight
I made peace
And tonight I will tuck myself into bed
Serene
For all is well
Between you and I-

All is well.

:)

In The Canyon

In the hot canyon
I rejected the poem of your soul
And I screamed out

No more,
I will not hurt anymore.

Nothing to Fear

We were running so fast
We didn't know what we were running from
And when we looked back,
We realized

There was nothing there-
Nothing to fear,
Nothing to be afraid of.

Surprised

everything about you
spoke these words to me:

stay back

go away

leave me alone



so why were you surprised when I left?

three words

every time i look at you
the words are bursting
behind stubborn lips

i
love
you

i suck in my breath
and swallow them whole
but i fear
they're leaking out of my defenseless eyes

i
love
you

just a small, simple truth
built over the course of over
four hundred days

i love you i love you i love you

i could never say it enough
to show you how deeply i feel it.

Outer // Inner

It's raining in Wisconsin- 

Teardrops streaking

The windows, thick

And through the storm

My bruises are healing

As my outer life 

Mimics my inner

I find it to be true

That pain can be used to heal.

Haiku for the umpteenth day

i have stopped counting

the days passed since we last spoke 

have you forgotten?

Tulsa

Let's keep driving
Through the streets of Tulsa
This song is too sweet
These streets are too mesmerizing
I am captivated
Aching with the meanings
Behind brick and barbecue and
Folks who build things
With dirt-stained hands
And bright, clean hearts
Please, let's get lost
So we will never stop
Circling these roads
In a city that tonight
Is holding me perfectly
And fitting my heart
Inside of its' county lines
Road signs and humble homes
Resting beneath a
Summer moon,
Glowing steadily in the
Heart of this country.

I'm sorry.

Seven days it's been
Since the day we last spoke
And I don't know why
This short silence
Stretches through my lungs
And chokes up my
last breath
Maybe it's because
You didn't say goodbye
Before you left
And now I feel
So foolish for thinking
We were going somewhere
Or building anything
I feel so stupid
For believing in what
I thought we could be
I didn't mean to scare you
Or show you that
I cared at all
I'm sorry for my
Compliments
For my inquisitiveness
I'm sorry for wondering
Who you are on the inside
Pretenses and pressure removed
I'm sorry for wanting
To peel back your layers
To hold your secret dreams
Inside my palms
Safe, hushed and quiet
I thought you wanted a friend but
You didn't.
I was wrong.
I'm sorry, sorry
So sorry I tried.
I feel so foolish.

Soon it will be November

It's funny how one night /can stick in your mind for seven long months/ and how since the day I met you /no one can compare /and maybe it's my own fault/ for holding on, playing the songs we used to sing /or maybe it's your fault / for being so beautiful and/ for being so good to me that night /when I told you my story and/ you told me yours/ and your eyes were bright /hoping this would be our first chapter together /but you were wrong /and I knew it all along/ I thought it would be easy, that time would come swiftly /and cradle me in her soft, slow hands /but she didn't/ and soon it will be November /and I wonder, after one year /will I be okay again? / I hope you are / and I hope your heart/ doesn't hurt like this.

Iridescent

Here lies
The place where we were
The place where our hearts connected
Where our souls were iridescent
Here lies
The best of you
The scared part of me
We brought it out of each other
In rotating flashes
But I'm through now
And when you open your window
In the hot, sticky night
And you hear silence
You'll think of me
And the place that you buried
All that we were.

A prayer for him who is to come.

Let him see not
eyes
nose
ears
mouth
body

But let him see my Soul

Wild, vibrant
Reaching to the heavens
Yet gentle, soft and warm,
Light-filled and fragile.

Hopscotch Streets

In the summers
I think of you
And the magic we strung
Like sparkling beads
Memories piling up
Like clay swirls into a saucer

We took plain days
That could've stayed gray
And splattered them
In a manner
More extraordinary
Than anything I've ever seen

Music circled our souls
In cavernous concert halls
With roaring orchestras
Or on your patchwork quilt
As we sat side by side
Singing old lullabies
Shimmering and
Faded like your
Soft, plaid shirts

We walked hopscotch streets
Not far from the ocean
Skipping over secret lawns
To dance together
Under church and steeple and
Lights that twinkled as
My heart was breathless
Never before have I experienced
Anything like
The night we walked
Quietly to your secret hideout
Warming our hands by
The crackly fire
Beneath salty sea air

I sang you the words
To my favorite song
And you smiled;
So comfortable were we
Side by side
I can't say that I've ever
Tasted the magic of summer
As fully as I did you with you,
With strawberry ice cream
With triangle watermelon
On sprawling lawns
Between art that whispered
At mysterious museums
And
You and me
On the hopscotch streets
A perfect picture,
Packed up in my
Dusty memory.

Checkmate.

How do I let go
Of someone like you?
Someone who stood out,
Planets and stars and
Dazzling comets above
Anyone else who's
Ever come close
To touching this heart
It was effortless to you;
A memorized maze
An expert at this game
I've never seen anyone call out,
"Checkmate,"
As quickly as you did.
I'm frightened as you're far away and
I've pushed you out
To a deep, black sea
I just hope,
I hope that someone else
Can cast magic and tell stories and
Hold my heart so softly in his hands as
You did
You,
Who called me honest,
And who stayed up late with me
One winter night
As I fell blindly
Into your open arms.

Nine and Three-Quarters

I wrote this for my little brother, Nicky, as I was driving back from Nor Cal.

Right now we're on a long car-ride
And your arms are all scratched up
From holding your brand new kittens
You've always been irrepressible
And tough on the outside but
Sweet as cold summer's ice tea in that
Fragile, stubborn heart of yours
I'm holding back tears
Hoping the best for you,
Praying and praying
That you will grow
Confident and strong,
Bright and joyful
I don't know how to tell you
How much I love you;
There's only so much I can say
When you're only nine and three-quarters
But I hope one day
You will read these words
And know that I
Pray for the world for you,
I pray for the brightest and best and
For strength in the face of temptations and
Fierce convictions through the
Challenges that await
I love you, my brother,
Only nine and three-quarters
And if you ever fall down
Don't be afraid to
Stand up again,
Quick as you can

You are better than anyone could ever tell you.

Please, don't believe any less than that.

On a young Summer night.

he told her i was pretty
and i looked over
at a tall, shy boy
his light eyes
avoided mine
and i smiled up
at the summer sky
wishing i could say,

"you could be mine."

but instead, i was silent
and we looked away from each other
pretending there was nothing-
no hidden magic,
waiting to be stirred up
no secrets held
behind pressed, knit lips

just me,
smiling
at a tall, shy boy
on a young summer night.

Somewhere at the Intersection of Hope and Fear

Somewhere at the intersection of Hope and Fear
I walked slowly,
Afraid and excited
Unsure of each step forward
But refusing, still,
To go backwards
I asked you for a secret
And you sent me
A letter of broken notes
From a dusty piano
I'm unaware of the pieces of you
I should be holding onto
As I let go of myself
Close my eyes
And slip silently into still waters,
Green and warm
I'm not quite convinced
That drowning in this indecision
Is where I shall remain
Finally,
I stop chasing and
Freeze.

I notice my heartbeat-
Insistent and reassuring
And I hold your letter to the fire
As I watch it being swallowed
In the flames of
All the ways you did not care
And all the ways I stubbornly did.

On A Spring Day

I did a cartwheel after I wrote this.


THANK YOU, LORD
For a gust of sweet flowers
On a spring day that's
Pretending to be summer,
Excited for her sister
To come for a visit
Thank You for the birds
Arguing,
Bright, shrill voices
Layered over cotton clouds in a
Pale blue sky
For warm sun touching
My skin
Thank You for my skin
That stretches over
A body that is healthy
Healthy and moving am I

Thank You for late-night conversations
With friends I've known
Too many years to remember
I count them anyway
Smiling
At those star-bright days
Kissed by Providence
As I learned
How to be a true friend.
Thank You for the times I have
Screamed and yelled,
Immature and bratty
At a family who accepted me,
Who kept me in their
Loving hearts and
Extended to me
The grace needed
To grow
I am so imperfect
And I see it in
Scars and secrets
Spilling from the pages of
My messy monologue
Highlighting my still-bright story
I just wanted to thank You, Lord,
Because today I got to
Walk the beach and
The sun was perfect and
It was then I knew
That You loved me.

:)

Collective Heart

Dedicated to the man I will one day meet... :)


One night soon
We will be
Dancing underneath
Lights that twinkle
With the glow of our love;
I love you already
My heart is full
With the love saved up
From months and days
And moments that passed
In which I waited for you
And I continue to-
I continue to hold your name
Above all others in the human race
My precious love,
One day soon
You will hold me and,
Finding light in the bright corners of
These sacred spirits
We will always have love
Glowing, blissful
In our collective heart.

Sea Thief

One day I stole
Several perfect seashells
From a bush by the sea

I'm sorry.

The Forest

Afraid of what's inside of your heart
I take off running
Into the nearest forest
The outskirts of
This village of trees
Are shrouded thickly
Piercing and crowded
I run at a pace
That is frantic and desperate
I am chasing
And I am chased
I am not strong
I am not proud
I'm ashamed.
Shame steps with me
Clunk, clunk, clunk
Pounding into the forest floor
I want to be invisible
And disappear into the wind
As the sun slowly dips
As the air grows cold
I am more lost
As the hours pass
As my lungs burn
I lose you
And freedom from your
Dark brown eyes
Tastes sweet in lungs
That burn like betrayal
How could you let me go?
How did I let it go this far?
In this forest I will take refuge
Running until
My bones dry up
And my heart caves in
Maybe tonight,
If I run past the twilight
I will escape
The pierce of your eyes
And the sting of your words
Maybe if I run past the sunrise
I will reach the world's end
And I won't need you
To fill up these holes
I will be one
With the wind and the trees
And everything inside of me
Will heal

I repeat these words as I continue
Running.

Red Sun

On having a big personality.


I am
The warm sunrays
As he lays out for
A casual stretch
And then dives back in
For a cool, cool swim
With his back to the sun
He glides
Away from the glare
Away from words
That are sweet like honey
And smiles that spring
From that which is planted
And carefully cultured-
Joy.
He does not dare look back
And I am left hanging
At first feeling
Like a love song,
So soothing
But now that he's swam
The width of the Atlantic
I feel silly up here.
Impatiently I'm beaming
And the heat feels
Too hot
On cheeks that blush
Red with shame
For I realized
For him I'm too much
And he's swimming around the globe
Looking for the moon
So cool she is,
As I melt helplessly
Behind the red-gold hills.

Look-alike

Someone who looked just like you
Passed me by today
And my heart trembled;
I wish I could look in
Your soul tonight
And see what lies
Behind chestnut eyes
I'm certain I
Saw something
Gentle and kind
How dreadful,
How bitter
That you can't be mine.

Paradise

Born of a daydream.

Early morning
Right at dusk
I crept out of my little house
I made my way
Down quiet streets
Past drowsy dreams
And tucked-in sheets
And as the sun
Peeked over hilltops
I arrived
In a silent meadow
Thick as woven carpet
I stopped abruptly, stunned;
I found prayers on
Drops of dew
And I heard songs
From fallen leaves
The hope dripped, thick,
From yawning trees
I stretched out under
Auburn boughs
And I felt love cry silently
Paradise-
I've found you
While everyone was fast asleep.

Truthseeker

I wrote this for a friend for his birthday... But I was too shy to give it to him. Haha.. just one of the many reasons I AM A DORK.


On your heart
There are many scars
But fresh eyes will be
Rewarded you
As you seek unceasingly
The light that guides.
The journey may be marred
By spiraling falls
Into the blackest of seas
But, without fail,
You will never be alone.
Take comfort
In the warmth
Of that which you seek-
TRUTH
As the heart opens,
And the mind grows
In that which cause
The eyes of the soul to see darkness
The light will be yours
Always
TRUTH will appear
When the mind is ready.

Unkissed

In silence
I wait for you

My heart untouched
By the warmth
Of Your love
My soul unkissed
By the breath
Of Your holiness

Shivering, stammering,
I wait here

My dove,
My ardent angel
How fresh are the buds
That bloom as you silence
The chaos of Winter
As I unthaw
Under Your generous Light
Spirit, I beg you

Let me be
The one You seek
Let me be
Yours to keep.

Express Post

How many times have I
Held back my hands from
Taking a pen and
Writing these words on a page
And mailing it to you
Express post today,

"I miss you more than words could say,"

?

Dallas

I am on a plane
Flying over rugged mountains
Half asleep from early morning rushing
Smiling at my elderly seat counterpart
Counting the hours
Until I reach Dallas

And still, you find me here.

The smile that I can't fit into
Words on a page
The delicate words
That tore me apart
The peaceful goodbye-
Painfully quiet

I am still aching in places unknown.

I thought I could escape you
With carefully packed luggage
Boarding pass?
Check.
Carry-on?
Check.

I've carried you with me
Seventy two days now
My heart, unthinking, continues to whisper:
hold me in your thoughts
love
in a secret embrace

Somehow,
Someday
I'll let you go.

You can't buy a Life.

Last night was by far the worst night I have ever experienced. My car broke down on the side of the road, and as I was getting it towed, the tow truck driver was hit by a woman who was driving erratically. It was a hit and run. (We don't know yet if she was under the influence, but she had a history of opiate use and all signs seem to be pointing that way, as she hit a parked car further down the road. She is in the hospital in critical condition, hemorrhaging from the brain. Please pray for her, that God will heal her, that He will redeem her, and use this experience to change her life for the better.)

Please let this be a reminder to drive safely, to abstain from alcohol and drugs, and to appreciate the beating heart in your chest, and the memories and stories pulsing through your veins. Never take your life for granted. If you are reading this, you have yet to fulfill your purpose on this earth. I pray for your strength and perseverance in becoming the best you can be.

I wrote this poem when I got home last night, and it's dedicated to the tow truck driver. May he rest in peace, cradled safely in the love of our Father.

I watched you die tonight.

I didn't know you more
Than three or four sentences
Just casual words exchanged,
"What happened to the car?"
"Where would you like it towed?"
You smiled, simply, kindly
Just doing your job
Just helping out a frightened girl
On the side of a dangerous highway.

I heard the noise
I did not see the car
What was she thinking?
How could she leave you there,
Speeding off in a frantic hurry like that?

It must have been Fear, I decide.

All I remember were
The golden headlights
As I leapt in front of
Countless cars
Screaming, screaming,
"Stop! Stop!"
I pointed at your body
I did not dare to go too close.

The ambulance came.
They lit the flares.
The paramedic approached me-
"He's passed."
"Just five deep breaths."
"It's out of your control."

And I learned tonight
You cannot buy a Life
With unceasing sobs
And helpless prayers of pleading.
So I'm left to say,
Rest now, sir,
In the arms of the One who loves you most.
I asked Him to give you
His deepest place of Love
I asked Him to care for
Your grieving family

I never got to meet your brother
Who, I overheard,
Was on his way
So all I have
Is your full name
R.L.C
I'll carry it forever with me.

On Validation

I am not living for you
And your narrow shades of beauty.

My heart doesn't lie
In your slippery hands.

Set me free from your hopeless visions.

Lord, I hold my head high
And I will see myself as beautiful.

I don't need you to tell me that.
I just need to feel it,
And it will be real.

Thanks for letting me see that.

Hero

I saw you in a dream last night
The one I've wanted all my life
Calloused hands, honest eyes
I couldn't believe
You were mine
After all that I've endured
After endless heartbreak storms
I'll wait for you
Each night and day
My love,
My hero
And my strength.

Stand

Nothing can break me
Unless I let it
Open the gates and
Bring on the rain...
I.
Will.
Stand.

Storm Drain

I hate that I've lost you
Because you think you know
What I'm thinking
And you think that I
Am judging, condemning
When I'm not
I'm just angry and
I want to scream out
And tell you
That I thought the world of you-
I still do
And I always believed
You would pick yourself up
After the fall

I grieve our friendship
Which now remains
Just fallen change
In a forgotten storm drain
In quarters, dimes
And a silver nickel

I've lost you
Even though I believe
I believed in you more than anyone
And you would know that
If you'd taken the time
To actually know me.

Unravelled

I'm afraid
If I let myself
Love you
It would rip me apart
And unravel my nerves
Twisting me into
A dark, stained shadow

I'm afraid of you
Stealing
The light I have found

Please,
Please
Don't capture my heart
Please
Don't make me fall apart.

Who You Could Be

Tear down the drywall
And step out of the shadows
Strip back the layers
Like paint into piles
Of mirages of images
Of who you thought you should be
Oh, please, my dear
See
Those pictures are really and truly
Horrific

I see who you could be
With preconceived notions removed
Like curtains covering a hole in the wall
Pouring emotions like a current, unstoppable
That could be you.
Honest and raw
I see the possibility
I see you there and
You were afraid of me because
I saw into your heart's soul
But in the end
You came around and
Wrapped up in me because
You can see, too,
How incredible you could be.